Thinking Out Loud v2.0

i'm not dead yet!

2006-09-27T10:15:00.000-07:00

Wow...it seems like a lifetime ago that I posted. I don't know what changed, but I just lost that interest to share with the world. Maybe because I felt my life had become uninteresting. Lately I've been a bit more of an introvert than usual.

The update...

Geez, where to begin? The last post was right before my trip to SF pride...three months ago. That trip was great!!! It was with my party friends and they're hilarious gay folk. The 4 hour drive was just one big comedic road trip. I had a great time at pride. Got wasted every night I was there. A lot of our time there was spent walking around the downtown area, which I have to say is ghetto! I don't think I ever walked so much in one weekend. We saw everything you'd expect to see at a pride event, dike's on bikes, naked old men, drag queens, tannies with proud boob jobs for all to see, rainbows, feather boas, homo thugs, assless chaps, whips and chains, and of course not to be outdone the protesting Christian folk.

July is just a blur...nothing exciting happened. I was in Dallas, TX for a few day early August for an engineering conference. It was hot as hell! Hot AND humid! No thanks, I'll stick with my dry heat. It was a Hispanic engineering conference and there were plenty of hotties in business suits...and I have a thing for a man in a business suit. So needless to say I had a good time.

On the dating front...NOTHING to report. If you recall I had been dating a pretty cool guy for a few months. After about 10 months of dating we decided to try the relationship bit, but I quickly decided that we were better friends. You know how after you're friends with someone for so long without ever crossing that line it's hard to see them as anything other? Well, that's what happened with us I think. I couldn't see him as anything more than a friend. We still hang out, but not as frequently as before and that's cool. Now I'm kinda just numb to the whole dating thing. I've been out on a couple of dates, but I'm just not into it right now. The whole idea just bores me. So I think I'll just chill for a bit.

I think I've reached a point at my job where I no longer want to be doing this work. I do it 'cause I can and I'm good at it, but I never set out to make IT support a career. I picked it up as a hobbie and now I'm tired of it, so I've been looking for an actual engineering job. I have a couple leads and hoping something will come through. I need to be excited about work again.

So that's pretty much it for an update...see I told you...uninteresting and I hate it!!!

somewhere over the rainbow

2006-06-23T10:58:00.000-07:00

That's where I'll be this weekend...somewhere over the rainbow. It's San Francisco Pride this weekend and I'll be there amongst the gays. I've never been, so I'm excited. I plan to have a great time this weekend, I need it!

I don't know if I'm more excited about the festival or escaping the 108+ degree weather that's expected here this weekend. Once i'm there amongst the hotties I'm sure I'll be generating my own heat wave. I hope you all have a great weekend also! Have fun!

i heard it through the grape vine...

2006-06-22T13:16:00.000-07:00

I have recently been made aware of a rumor circulating amongst the old college crowd regarding my sexuality. Apparently, I have become a topic of conversation at parties, weddings, get togethers...I feel so popular. It all started innocently enough with me opting to post my sexual orientation on my MySpace account. I have gay friends who for whatever reason, maybe for this very reason, choose not to post their sexual orientation on their profile. I thought, fuck it...who cares? Apparently, many people do. Hell, had I known coming out would be this easy I'd have created my MySpace profile a long time ago. As most rumors go, this one has spread like wildfire.

I don't really care that people know, in fact I prefer that they do know that way I know who's fake. I guess what bugs me is that there are people out there who share this information freely without so much a thought about the consequences it might have for the person they're outting. Maybe I'm just biased, but I have a problem with someone going around outting people. I mean, coming out is a very personal choice and to have someone making that choice for me kind of gets under my skin. Granted I chose to post the information on my profile and it is available to anyone who happens upon my profile, but I'm not going around telling everyone and anyone that I'm gay.

I guess people don't realize the impact of outting someone. We live in a society that for the most part still frowns upon what it has labeled a "life style". Spreading that kind of rumor is totally different from spreading a rumor that, say I knocked someone up. Knocking someone up doesn't have the potential of hurting current or future relationships, unless you happen to knock up a friend's wife. Having one's sexuality advertised, especially in a straight male dominated field such as mine, runs the risk of hurting possible career relationships as well. On the upside, I wouldn't want to work for or with any homophobes anyway.

I guess I should be thankful that this rumor is doing all the leg work for me, as far as coming out to those around me. We'll see how all this goes down.

it's the first day of summer!

2006-06-21T11:18:00.000-07:00

I don't remember summer starting so late. Well it seems late anyway. I guess because I always think of summer as starting at the beginning of June. Anyway, the weather her in the armpit of California had been mild and beautiful for the passed couple of weeks. With 101 degrees today and the 108 degrees expected here by week's end, we're quickly being snapped back to reality. I hope you all have some plans for this summer.

i'm addicted to cosmetic surgery!

2006-06-21T09:35:00.000-07:00

Well, a show about cosmetic surgery anyway. A friend let me borrow Nip/Tuck season1 and season 2 and I am now hooked. I watched the entire season 1 DVD set over one weekend. Now I'm halfway through the second season. I love that show. It's very graphic in it's portrayal of the surgeries. It is almost like watching one of them reality shows on the Discovery Channel.

Sure, the plots twists and turns are sometimes obvious, but it's very entertaining nonetheless. Since I don't watch much TV anymore, this is kind of my guilty pleasure. I get home from work and I pop in the DVD and watch an episode or two. Very entertaining I tell ya. If you don't know of the show it runs on the FX network. I'm guessing from the material and language that it runs late at night. If you get a chance, check it out.

and now...an update!!!

2006-06-19T15:04:00.000-07:00

So, how goes it? I guess I've been gone from my blog for a minute now. I feel bad for it, but I've just been lagging. No excuse other than just been laggin'.

Let's see where to begin. Not a whole lot has happened with me since my last post. On the health front, I bought a new bike and have begun cycling with my ex...though, I've been going at it alone lately. You know how that goes...you start something with a partner but then sooner than later you always end up doing it alone. Anyway, I hadn't realized how out of shape I actually was until I went on that 2+mile bike trail for the first time. That killed me! My second time was worse...I actually cramped up after the ride. The last time i was out riding I suffered from a bad sinus headache. I could barely see straight the pain was so bad and I had to drive clear across town back to my place. The trail I ride is at a park across town, but the trail is nice and leisurely. Well, except for all those damned hills! I think I have to go see a sinus specialist, 'cause I've been having lots of problems lately. Of course the bad air quality doesn't help any. Aside from that the weather had been beautiful here lately, rare for it being so late in June...oh but the triple digits are looming right around the corner. :(

On the romance side...nothing new to report. Still talking to the one guy and not sure if that's progressing at all. Sometimes I wish we could move forward and other times I'm glad we're just friends for now. This is the longest I've gone talking with someone without jumping into a relationship...almost 8 months now. Sometimes that line between being just friends and being boyfriends gets blurred and we have to remind eachother of it, 'cause there's been some misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Overall, though, we're managing. I guess the reason why I don't want to rush into anything with this guy, is 'cause when I'm in a relationship I'm in it for the long haul and I want to be sure I want to be with him and he wants to be with me. With my ex there was always the lingering doubt in the back of his mind and that's what ultimately ruined our relationship. So I refuse to put myself back out there like that.

Work is going okay. It's summer time, so all the faculty I usually deal with are out on vacation and so things here have been really slow. Next week I will be off all week and am not returning until the Wednesday after 4th of July. This weekend I will be heading up to San Francisco Pride. I've never been to SF Pride, but I hear it's a wild time. I can't wait! I sound so gay I know, but I just need to unwind like no other. You just don't understand.

That is it I guess. Nothing exciting told ya. I'm still alive though, and that's always a wonderful thing. I will try to keep yous all updated more often. I have to come up with one of them themed post days to keep posting regularly. I'll think of something...

I hope that you're all doing well out there. Drop me a line. Take care of you!

NOOOO!!!!

2006-05-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

My baby was cut from American Idol last night. How can this be?! Granted I'd stopped watching AI about a month ago, but I'd always catch up on his performances online. I know he'll make it in the biz, 'cause he's hot and he sounds great, but I really wanted him to win. I don't know why, I just did okay?

Ah well, I'll just look forward to buying his album in a few months. The remaining finalists are good, but now I'm pulling for Elliot Yamin to win.

it's out!!!

2006-04-25T08:50:00.000-07:00

So I went in for my dental surgery as planned on Friday afternoon. I had prepared myself mentally for all the pain and discomfort most people talk about after having dental work done. I think I might be a bit of a masochist, as I was actually looking forward to the surgery.

My surgeon had a very calming voice. Calming in that I believe a conversation with him would leave anyone in a comatose state. Picture Norman Bates in a white lab coat. His voice was sooo monotonic I almost didn't need the novocaine to numb me. But I was glad for it. I think the novocaine injections were the most painful part of the procedure. The first injection to my outter gums caught me off guard and forced a tear to my eye. The second injection he warned me about so it didn't hurt as much. Five minutes later the Dr. announced we were ready to begin.

It's a weird feeling seeing all this work being done on you and not feeling a damned thing. I imagine that's what an out of body experience must feel like. I was awake for the whole procedure, which only took about 30 minutes. My Dr. was grinding, twisting, and pulling and out came the bloody tooth. Wow...that's cool. Next he came at me with his drill...well a drill, not HIS drill. I saw a pretty large drill bit attached to it and I thought WTF? Next thing I know he's drilling into my bone, which of course I don't feel a damned thing except slight pressure. He inserted the titanium post into the bone and started racheting it in place as if he were working on a car engine...that was cool too. I felt the tightening pressure as he screwed the post into place. A bit of cadaver bone grafting around the metal post and a couple stitches later and voila! he was done. Oh, but the stupid dental assistant did clip my bottom lip with the scissors she was using to cut the string. My lips were already dry and parched from having them out stretched for so long. Ahem...they're not used to that. Anyway, luckily she clipped me with the dull edges near the handle so they only pinched my lips and didn't cut. Otherwise, a bitch would've had to been slapped.

I have to wait two months for the post to heal into the bone before I can have my replacement tooth put on. So for now I'm walking around with a whole in my grill. It's off to the side so it's not really noticeable unless I smile widely, which I've learned not to do. Or unless you're sitting off to my left as I'm talking. I had always prided on the fact that my grill was almost perfect. People would always compliment me on my toofeses, but now I'm all self-conscious and shit. I hate it!!! I can't wait to have my implant in.

Moral of the story...kids take care of your teeth!!! In two weeks I get to see my hot dentist...yay!!!

say ahhhh.../happy friday!!!

2006-04-21T11:26:00.000-07:00

In about half an hour I get to leave work for the day. Yay!!! However in two hours I'll be going in to have some dental surgery done. Yay!!!

My friends don't understand how I can be looking forward to having this procedure done, but I am. A lil' over a year ago one of my toofeses cracked. I was a broke mo fo back then so I couldn't afford to go to the dentist, so I let it be. It didn't hurt or anything, but whenever my tongue would scrape against it I felt something was not right. Well...little by little the tooth fell apart and now well it's almost non-existent. I know gross right? Anywho, I'm having what's left removed and getting an implant.

This is my first time having any surgery and I've opted for the local anesthesia. Hopefully, after this procedure I won't develop a fear of dental work. I'm sure I won't 'cause my dentist is hot! Sadly though, I won't be seeing my hot dentist today. Instead I'll be stuck with my mouth wide open for an elderly man.

So, that's how I plan to spend my Friday. I hope my face doesn't swell up during the weekend. That would suck. So I guess this will be a quiet relaxing weekend, with little pain...I hope.

I hope you all have a great weekend. Have fun, have a few drinks for me, and enjoy yourselves. Much love.

the trouble with home schooling...

2006-04-04T09:22:00.000-07:00

While visiting with family this passed weeekend I got the opportunity to catch up with a cousin I hadn't seen or spoken to in about three years. He is a couple years older than I am, is married, and has children ages 6 and 8. They're a good Christian family and early on decided that homeschooling would be best for their children.

Now I agree public schools do a poor job of instilling good morals and respect, however I also feel that missing out on the public school experience also robs children of valuable real-world socialization.

Case in point: Saturday morning my cousin was driving his son and daughter and a 12 year-old little neighbor girl, Lizy, to his son's little league game. Lizy is African-American. En-route to the game my cousin came to a stop at a red light on a corner on which a young African-American male was sitting on his bike. Innocently enough, my cousin's 8 year-old son turns to Lizy and asks, "Hey Lizy, do you know him?"
"No!", responded Lizy with a wabble of her neck and a look of insult on her face.
"He's black...", pointed out my cousin's son as if it weren't obviously apparent to her. Making the assumption that because she's black and the guy on the corner is black that they should have some kind of relation.

In the kid's defense, there are only a handful of African-Americans in their small town. So the odds that there would be some relation, be it relative or acquaintance, are pretty good. However, coming from a little freckled white boy (my cousin married a Caucasian) it doesn't sound right. Good thing my cousin and his wife are considering enrolling them in school next year. Better they ask these ignorant questions and learn now, than as teenagers and they get their asses kicked.

the value of a dollar

2006-04-04T08:54:00.000-07:00

I created this little shirt for my 5 year-old godson while back home this passed weekend. As you can see it's made out of a dollar bill...cash origami if you will.

He was entertained for about a minute. Then he informed me that he already had money, "I don't need another dollar, I already have two."

"Well now you have three". I tell him.
"No, I'm going to give this one to Louie". Louie is my nephew, his cousin.

So he ran off and gave the dollar shirt to my nephew. Then he was back in a flash and announced that he was going to run home to get his two dollars and off he went.

"Boy is he going to be dissapointed when he realizes that he spent those two dollars on candy earlier today", his mother tells us just as soon as he leaves. Sure enough, not five minutes later he barged in with a huge frown on his face.

"What happened?", I inquired trying not to laugh.
"Well, my dad spent it all!", he sulked and began crying.

After his mother explained to him about his candy spree earlier in the day and he realized his mistake, he cried some more. For the remainder of my stay he kept hinting at wanting another dollar shirt, which I didn't give him of course. Hey, it's my duty as his godfather to teach him these life lessons. Maybe now he'll realize the value of a dollar.

a good night's unrest

2006-03-21T08:46:00.000-08:00

I can't remember the last time I had a good night's rest. You know when you sleep and it doesn't even have to be the full eight hours, but you wake up refreshed and ready for the day. Yeah, haven't had that in months...maybe even a year now. And trust me my body is feeling it.

I wake up each morning and I am just sooo exhausted! It doesn't matter how early I go to bed the night before, in the morning I feel as though I haven't slept. I'm not taking Ambien, so I know I'm not sleepwalking during the night. I just have a difficult time getting up in the morning. I wake up just fine, my internal clock wakes me promptly at 6:00 am...even on the weekends, which sucks. But I just lay there for about an hour and a half struggling to get some rest. Aside from that, when I do finally manage to get out of bed my body just aches all over. So, I've come to the obvious conclusion...I need a new mattress set.

I have been wanting to get a new set for a while now, but just the whole thought of shopping around for the perfect mattress is discouraging. It's almost like shopping around for a car and I'm just coming off THAT high. I'd really love to get one of them Hotel mattresses you know the kind you just fall into and get lost in a deep slumber. I know I'll have to be willing to cough up some good dough for that kind of comfort, but really I guess you can't put a price on health. And this no sleep business is definitely doing a number on my health. So I guess I'll be doing some mattress shopping this weekend. Hopefully with a new mattress somes some mattress dancing...wink, wink.

happy thoughts, happy thoughts....happy friday!!!

2006-03-10T14:09:00.000-08:00

Here's hoping you all have a great weekend!!!

my new baby!!!

2006-03-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

Ain't she beautiful? This is why I was so excited. I finally drove my new truck home today! I was nervous as all hell as I was signing that loan paperwork. This is my first brand spankin' new vehicle so forgive me for being so damned excited. The odometer read 33 miles as I drove her off. Jeebus, you don't understand. I'm going from a 1996 Mustang with 211,000 + miles on it, $4000 worth of mechanical repairs in just under two years...to this beauty. So yeah, I'm very ecstatic! I wanna just sleep in it tonight, but it's too fuckin' cold out. Even as I drove it around a bit tonight it still hadn't hit me that I was driving my new truck. I feel like a kid with a brand new toy. I only wish tomorrow was a weekend so that I could spend all day playing with it. Instead I'll be at work all day counting the time for me to come home and play with it some more. So there you have it, my excitement was over me getting my truck delivered this afternoon. I started the whole process on Friday morning and ordered it Friday afternoon, but was told I'd have to wait until today to get it delivered. So you can imagine how LONG the weekend felt. My brand new truck...fuckin' crazy!

i'm so excited, i just can't hide it...

2006-03-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

I'm about to lose control and I think I like it. It feels like Christmas morning. I'll share why I'm so excited tomorrow or later today,'cause I don't want to jinx myself.

I'm sorry I've been laying really low lately, but I've just been really stressed with so much shit on my mind. I'll unload on here eventually, but I'm doing good. I hope you all are too.

have i mentioned he's fuckin' hot?!

2006-03-02T11:49:00.000-08:00

AND he can sing. I *heart* him. (Chris Daughtry)

aaaarrrrrgh!!!!

2006-02-27T23:03:00.000-08:00

That pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now. About everything!!!

decisions...decisions...

2006-02-21T12:36:00.000-08:00

I am in the market for a new truck this year, actually pretty soon here; in the next few weeks. However, this is a very stressful decision to make being as how I am one of the most indecisive people you will ever meet. I think I have narrowed it down to either the '06 Frontier or the '06 Tacoma. I test drove both yesterday hoping that that would shed some light on one over the other, but it only made the decision harder as I fell in love with both. I think it'll just come down to me flipping a coin. Damn it!!!

2006 Nissan Frontier:

2006 Toyota Tacoma:

why i'll be watching 'american idol' this season

2006-02-21T12:27:00.000-08:00

This guy is fuckin' hot! He has a nice body and he can really sing. Once he's voted off I'll stop watching.

happy vd my friends!

2006-02-14T11:17:00.000-08:00

happy friday!!!

2006-02-10T16:33:00.000-08:00

she is not a christiannn!!!

2006-02-08T10:37:00.000-08:00

OMFG!!! A friend emailed this to me and it is fuckin' nuts. Jeebus!

just feeling blah lately

2006-02-07T09:52:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone, haven't been posting much lately cause...well, cause I've just been feeling a little down lately. I hope you're all doing okay though. Be back soon.

nigga's getting old!

2006-02-01T12:03:00.000-08:00

Today is my BIRTHDAY! I don't know why I'm so excited about it, it's not like I have any big plans for tonight...well, I mean besides getting fucked up!

Yeup, twenty-seven years ago I popped out of my momma's womb. Jeebus! I've actually been telling people that I'm 27 for most of last year. I have to quit that. I'm too damned young to start forgetting how old I am. I don't feel it though. I mean sure the hair is receding, my face looks aged, my body sometimes aches, but I still feel young at heart. And that's all that matters I guess.

Anyway, there used to be a point in my life where I dreaded my birthdays. It meant I lived another year. Now, I'm ecstatic when my birthdays come around, because it means I've lived another year. I have soo many people in my life that I love and I know love me...and I am grateful every day for that. Time to get my noon drink on. I wonder how many drinks I can have during lunch before my coworkers suspect something. I'm totally kidding, even I can't drink this early.

my super sweet sixteen...not!

2006-01-31T09:32:00.000-08:00

I spent the weekend down in Indio, CA. It's about a 5.5 hr drive south for me. I was there for a cousin's Sweet Sixteen celebration. Man, nothing like a little family gathering to be reminded just how ghetto my family can be. My family is huge, my grandparents had 9 children. Sadly, there's ALWAYS lots of gossip to go around. Jeebus, I could write volumes on all the drama in my family. And that's only my mom's side of the family. That side has always been the loud, party, outspoken side of the family.

Anyway, two hours into the party and the birthday girl was piss drunk! Apparently, she had been sneaking shots of tequila while everyone else was eating. She tried unsuccessfully to play it off, but nearly dropping her dancing partner and falling a couple times on her ass (in her nice white dress, mind you) sort of gave up her charade. Her mom was ready to beat her ass. I'm sure she would've too had she gotten her alone somewhere. That was just hilarious to watch. Let just say that whole party was a far cry from the lavish "proper" party's shown on MTV's My Super Sweet Sixteen. Sometimes I wonder if I was adopted.

have a great weekend

2006-01-27T15:57:00.000-08:00

Hey all, don't have much to write about lately. Hopefully after this weekend I will. I'll try to be extra bad. Although, come to think of it I'll be out of town at a family function so I guess I can't be too bad. I hope you all have a great, fun, and safe weekend. Much love!

gay realization

2006-01-19T11:16:00.000-08:00

The coming out process for a gay/lesbian is never ending and definitely never easy. Although, the more you do come out to people the easier it is to do so. The hardest part is taking that first step into uncertainty. For those of us who grew up prior to today's mild open mindedness , coming out seemed like an impossibility. This isn't really the case with today's young generation who have a comparably greater mainstream representation of gay culture in the media. When I was growing up the only memorable gay representation on TV were the "Men on Film" sketches of In Living Color..."hated it!"

Personally I never had a gay figure, be it in my personal life or in the media, with whom I could relate. The only gay personas portrayed on my television set were all overly flamboyant characters I had nothing in common with. As a teenager that made it extremely difficult to "find" myself and so I pretty much hibernated throughout my high school years. Depression set in and I slept my way through those years. I would go to school, come home and sleep, watch some TV, and sleep some more. Day in and day out that was my routine. It made it so I didn't have to deal with it at all. Add to those socially awkward years the pressure of having to live up to the Latino "machismo" attitude and it makes for a very unpleasant experience.

I always knew that I liked guys. Sure, growing up I had a couple crushes on girls, but those were always little puppy dog crushes. The crushes I developed on guys were always more intense and went further than simply wanting to hold their hands. I had other parts of their anatomy in mind. I don't know for sure if I was born gay, I do know for sure that some of my earliest memories involve being attracted to men in one form or another. Therefore, growing up I always knew that I was different. While my male peers were talking and fantasizing about having sex with girls, I was fantasizing about my male peers having sex. Still, as is the case with many gays still in the closet I actually envisioned getting married, having kids, the nice home, the white picket fence...the whole nine yards. It wasn't until late in my senior year in high school, while I was preparing to head off to college that I realized "the whole nine yards" were not going to be in the cards for me. I finally accepted that I was gay and that was who I was. One of the persons who has the hardest time accepting that you're gay, sometimes is yourself.

When I started college away from home, away from old friends, family, away from all that I had known for the passed 18 years I set out on a quest to find myself. I took to the internet in search of some little nitch in the gay community, which I never knew existed, for myself. It was a new awakening, a realization that I had been sheltered from so much growing up in my small town. As I learned more about what it meant to be gay, I felt a slight confidence growing in me. By this time I had made sure that I was totally independent of my family. I had been cooking for myself and doing my own laundry since high school. Now in college I was living on my own, I had a job and was paying for my own way. One of the most important things I have done in my life has been learning to fend for myself. My urgent desire to become so independent of my family was two-fold; I knew that eventually I wanted to come out to my family and if for some reason they rejected me and dissowned me that I could be self-efficient. Luckily, that hasn't been the case. Secondly, I wanted to show my parents that I could be gay AND become a man on my own, that those two things - being gay and being a man were not mutually exclusive.

In a way I had been a bit socially retarted until I left my comfort zone, which had been my home town. What most people figure out while in high school, I figured out well into my college years. Growing up, never in a million years did I ever think that I could be as comfortable as I am today being gay. It was supposed to be life ending, the sky was supposed to fall, the ground was supposed to part and swallow me whole if anyone ever found out my little secret. Well, I'm still alive, the sky's still intact, and I'm walking firmly on the ground. It is this other end of the coming out process, that is not as grim as I had envisioned I wish I could share with all those kids who are now where I once was. That dark, lonely place that unknowingly only exists in their minds. That unhappy, guilty, angry place that toys with your mind to the point where it seems that the only way out is to end the life you refuse to let yourself live. Sadly, many never find the courage.

I don't know that society will ever be fully accepting of me in my lifetime. I do know that I can live my gay life, however boring it may be, as an example to break the stereotypes that box in the gay community. I am not a deviant, a sex-crazed child molestor, a coniving sexual predator hell-bent on putting the moves on every straight man I come across. I am simply a son, a brother, an uncle, a godfather, a friend, your neighbor, your teacher, your classmate - a man who is trying to live his life to the fullest, while working his ass off, paying his taxes, and searching for love.

this is hilarious!

2006-01-17T14:39:00.000-08:00

Tom Cruise Kills Oprah. (watch the video)

A little busy today, but I've been meaning to post this. Enjoy your day!

say a little prayer for a new angel

2006-01-12T16:03:00.000-08:00

I have nothing to post today, but I did read this article that hit a nerve. I love children even though I doubt I'll ever have any of my own. There's just something really wrong with a system that would allow for this to happen:

http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/01/12/child.killed.ap/index.html

drunk blog

2006-01-07T03:05:00.000-08:00

I just got home from the club, so forgive me if this makes absolutely no cents (kidding, kidding...I know it's spelled scents). Anywho, I had a fucking blast. I had second thoughts about going out tonight, but I'm totally glad I did go out, 'cause all my friends were out there. I hadn't seen most of them since last year, so it was good to see 'em. I started off drinking beers (Corona's), but then my friend bought me a shot, a protein shot, no kidding that's gross. Though, come to think of it I haven't had one of them in a long time...okay I'm sorry TMI (Too Much Information). Have I mentioned I'm very sexually frustrated? Well I am, VERY! Where was I? Oh yeah, so I'm going down on this guy right? Wait, that's a different story...ahem. Aparently I got tired of drinking beer, 'cause next thing I know I'm drinking a strawberry long island ice tea, it was good! By this time I'm very outgoing, VERY OUTGOING...I think I might've kissed some stranger, I know I hugged a lot of guys, a couple of which grabbed me in my "special" place. I got a shoulder massage from my good friend's boyfriend...it was hot. He is fuckin' hot! My friend's boyfriend that is. We had a threesome one time *gasp!*, but yeah we did...I know I'm a slut, let me have it. Stone me now. Actually, it started as a foursome then shrunk down to a threesome. It was at an afterparty at some lawyers house, yeah there's gay lawyers too...those gays are everywhere. Long story short, my friend's boyfriend is hung, nicely hung...that whole experience was totally different, totally out of character for me, but it was hot! My friend and his man have an open relationship, so it wasn't AS bad. Okay, I'm a slut. Anywho, I only mention it, 'cause tonight after the club they were trying to talk me into going to their place and I knew what they wanted to do. The boyfriend's place is like 40 mins away though, so that wasn't happening. They offered to drive me too and bring me back later today, but I just couldn't do it. They're always fucking around with guys and I hear all the stories along with all the sordid details and I just don't want to be one of those stories...again. Besides my friend told me earlier in the night that he was in love with his man, so that just made me wanna pass on the whole ordeal. So where was I, okay I think I just went to confession. WTF?! Okay, I need to take my ass to bed now. Good morning everyone!

the more things change the more they stay the same

2006-01-03T11:03:00.000-08:00

This time last year I was working at a friends hardware shop, living from check to check and very stressed out because of it. I was single and hating it! I was still very much in love with my ex and hoped very much to get back with him. I was thinner, probably because of all the stress and was generally unhappy.

This year let's see...I have a good job I wish I was happy at, but it pays the bills very nicely. I am single again and somewhat enjoying it. Let's just say it's slowed somewhat, since I've been dating this guy. But I'm single nonetheless. I am not still in love with my ex, but I have been thinking about him a lot lately and I don't know why. I haven't seen him since that day he broke it off...that's been almost 4 months now, damn! To be quite honest I kinda prefer it that way. We do talk on the phone every now and then, but it's always more of a catch up thing. Never really talk about us or what happened.

Last week we had a conversation, just a normal conversation as usual, however toward the end of our chat he hesitantly asked when we were gonna start hanging out again. His question was followed by a long, "umm...uhhh....oh crazy" on my part. I really didn't know how to answer him, "not anytime soon", "I dunno, I'll get back to you" I suppose could've been acceptable answers, they would've been honest anyway. Instead I said, "whenever, just let me know and if we're both not busy we'll work something out." He picked up on my hesitation and called me on it. Ah well. I know I still hold some hurt feelings and maybe some anger toward him. Part of his argument for calling it off was that he felt the one day a week we got to spend a couple hours together was impeding him from enjoying his time off from work to do as he pleased. So the thought that he now would like to spend some time with me kinda gets under my skin. I don't think I'm ready to pretend that everything is fine and that I'm not still hurt, because it would be just that...me pretending. Although, I guess I have to put those feelings behind me in order to move on. I don't know. Maybe I should see him and just let those feelings go. He called me Friday and put his daughter on the phone, she wanted to thank me for her Christmas gift. I tell ya, if I was a crier I would've shed some tears...I love that little girl. I got really attached to her and she seemed to really like me too. That was one of the hardest things with dealing with the break up, it wasn't just a break up from him.

It seems the more things change the more they stay the same, I was going through the same shit last year, with the same guy. The only difference this year is that I've met someone that I think I could fall for and that scares me. It scares me, because I don't know how to proceed from here. We've been dating for about a month now and I am really digging him. We talk on the phone frequently, but never a serious conversation about where this dating is leading to. And I think we both consciously steer clear of that topic. He's been single for 2 yrs and is just now getting back out there and well I had said that I wasn't going to be getting involved anytime soon. But we've really hit it off. This whole dating business is just really confusing. Part of me is just REALLY scared of starting another relationship and another part of me knows that I'm perfectly comfortable in a relationship. I guess the best course of action here is to continue as I have been...cautiously.

Whatever the case, I'm starting off this year with a positive outlook. I hope it's a great year and that I am able to make the most out of what comes my way. Say a little prayer me.

happy fuckin' new year!

2005-12-31T13:02:00.000-08:00

Sumonabitch! Is it just me or does it seem like this passed year has just flown by? I know we say that every year, but seriously this passed year is all a big fuckin' blur to me. As with every year there's been good and there's been bad, more good than bad though I have to say. I only hope this next year is just as eventful. Well my friends I just wanted to wish you all a very Happy New Year! May we leave all the negative behind and start the new year fresh. Here's to all our plans for the coming year. Much love my friends.

ho ho ho!

2005-12-24T09:11:00.000-08:00

Here's wishing you all have a Merry Christmas surrounded by family, friends...all those you love. Much love to all yous!

good for something

2005-12-22T09:30:00.000-08:00

It seems these days everyone AND their mom is on MySpace. Literally, I have a couple friends who's mom's also have a profile up. Anyway, this morning I thought I'd search for an old buddy I had lost contact with for about 4 years. I've known him since fourth grade. All throughout, grade school and high school we were the best of friends. He was my sci-fi contact. He introduced me to Anime, the Alien franchise, and Star Trek - The Next Generation. After high school he joined the Marine Corps. I remember we kept in contact through snail mail throughout his boot camp experience. During his initial enlistment, he was envious of me for having gone to college and I of him for all the traveling and experiences he was having. When his first term was up, he went back to our hometown for a couple months. He was a changed man, he was still the same sci-fi geek, but he was just much more serious and according to his mom very moody. He had hoped to re-enlist and join the Airforce and be shipped to Japan, his life long goal had always been to live in Japan. Well, that didn't quite pan out and he ended up living in Arkansas or Oklahoma for a few years. That was the last I heard of him. We lost touch since then. Partly, because I didn't have his contact info, but mainly because it was then that I was initially coming out and having grown up with him like a brother it was just easier to keep my distance. This has been my experience with other high school buddies, as well. I'm only now getting around to coming out to them, but I had pushed all of them away.

So I get on MySpace this morning and I do a search for his name. I scroll down through a few matches then I come across a profile pic of a screen shot of some video game and I knew I had found him. Read through his profile and I cannot explain my excitement. He's still working for the government and he's been living in Tokyo, Japan since August of this year. How fuckin' awesome is that?! That just made my day. So I shot him a message and I'm hoping that I'll hear back from him soon. Fuck guys, you don't know how excited I am to have found this guy. He was my childhood best friend. Now, I realize when he reads my profile he'll find out that I'm gay, and I don't know how he'll take that, but fuck it...

psst...you have some uhm, hair...

2005-12-20T15:45:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to put this out there and get some advice. I have this friend, right? A female friend and we cool and all, but I'm not comfortable enough to tell her that she has a little mustache growing. But everytime I see it, it just drives me crazy...it makes me anxious. I don't have the slightest idea of how to bring it up. I mean I'm sure she notices it, right? I mean she has to. She wears makeup so it's not like she doesn't look in the mirror everyday. But then again, maybe she doesn't have a problem with it and I'd just insult her if I mention it. But gosh! It just don't look right. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. Yes, I think I will do just that. For you women out there, if you had a few unsightly hairs on your upper lip would you want to be made aware of it?

date numero dos

2005-12-20T14:06:00.000-08:00

Last night I went out on a second date with this guy. We had dinner at a steakhouse, the food was great! During dinner he asked if I wanted to tast his meat, prime rib people, get your heads outta the gutter. My natural reaction was to reach for the piece of meat on his fork with my fork, but he wanted to feed it to me. Reluctantly I accepted. Afterward, there was the akward looking around to make sure no one had seen. Of course, there was a couple of jocks sitting at a table next to ours who did their best to pretend they hadn't seen. I felt a bit embarrassed, then a bit defiant (why the fuck should I feel embarrassed?!) fuck I'm on a date. Still, that caught me off guard. It was different.

After dinner, we went to a little Fun park where we played a round of mini-golf, got wet on the bumper boats (not too smart considering it was cold out), then got in a few laps of mini-cart racing. It was a fuckin' blast. Again, it was a different experience. With my ex most our dates consisted of dinner and a movie, which got old REALLY quick. Anyway, afterward we headed to my place where we spent a few hours just laying on my bed talking and making out of course. Have I mentioned how much I enjoy kissing, I like it alot. And no, we didn't go passed making out. I'm a lady like that. It'll take more than dinner and a great time at a fun park to get in my jeans, namely lots of liquor. J/k..usually one strong drink will do it. ;) This guy is a fuckin' dork...and that's really hot to me. He's just a fun person to be around. So that's the second date down and so far so good. Here's hoping it'll be cool.

the date chisme

2005-12-16T15:49:00.000-08:00

Aight, I haven't been on a "date" in over 2 yrs. Sad I know, but oh so true. I met this guy at the club. Last Friday we swapped numbers and ended up having a 3 hr conversation Sunday night. It was crazy. If there's one thing that turns me on about a guy besides a sense of humor is their ability to hold their own in a conversation. This guy was not only funny, but those 3 hrs just flew by. So anyway, we decided to go out last night and watch King Kong. It's a great movie by the way. Surprisingly, I was very comfortable on the date. Probably because we'd gotten to know eachother somewhat from our phone conversation. During the movie the body language was there, we were both just so comfortable with eachother. So I gave him a hand job right then and there. Okay, not really. Geez...you swear I'm a slut like that. No, but there was some playful touching and nudging. So I knew we were both cool.

After the movie we decided to go grab some grub at some Mexican place. We talked alot over dinner and had a couple drinks, before we were practically kicked out. They were closing and so they started to mop around our table...we got the hint. We weren't ready to call it a night yet so we went over to Tony Roma's to have some drinks there, but to our dissmay they too were getting ready to close and we had just missed last call. It was about 11:30 or so. That's the bad thing about living in Fresno, everything closes so damned early. I thought about taking him home and kicking it and talking there, but then I remembered that my roomate (the cock-blocker!) always sleeps in the living room, 'cause he's too lazy to clean all the junk off his bed. So we ended up just sitting in my car on the street outside my aparment complex. We talked and we talked and somewhere during our talking he started getting affectionate...you know nothing perverse just playing/holding my hand, running his hand through my hair (I have hair now by the way, I'm growing it out). Soon it was 1 o'clock and we were still sitting there talking and a lot closer than we first were. You know both wanting to go in for that kiss, but not too sure about it. Finally, we just went for it...and it was good! OMG, I haven't kissed someone like that and have it feel like it did in sooo long. The next hour we spent talking some more and in between the talking, making out some more. It was nice, very nice. He ended up leaving around 2 o'clock. I felt bad, 'cause the poor guy had to work early in the morning and he still had to drive clear across town. But we enjoyed ourselves and plan to see eachother again soon.

Now, I know I said that I didn't want to get into another relationship right now...but damn. I'm a little confused and scared about this situation. On the one hand I've been enjoying going out and being single, but on the other hand it's kinda getting a bit boring. Me and this guy click and it might be interesting to see how this plays out. Right now I'm just going with the flow...I have no real big expectations other than he's a cool guy and I REALLY enjoyed spending time with him last night. So we'll see where this goes...I'm a bit excited about it.

for all you married folk out there...

2005-12-16T15:06:00.000-08:00

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, NBL 3.0, RFL 4.0, Cricket 4.2 and Golf Clubs 4.1 Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

****************************************
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http//: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

INSTALLING WIFE 1.0

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User
****************************************
REPLY: Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 ! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

spreading...um, the holiday spirit!

2005-12-15T14:19:00.000-08:00

what was I thinking?

2005-12-15T10:54:00.000-08:00

I decided this year that I wanted to have a Christmas dinner get together at my place. Nothing big or fancy, just invite a few close friends for some food, some drinks, and some good times.

When I started college I developed a little group of friends; oh about 7 of us. We were all for the most part in the same major and we just instantly clicked. Through the course of our college years, a couple ventured out to other majors. However, we've still managed to remain pretty close. We attend each other's family functions and for a while there it sort of became a tradition to go out every Friday night for dinner and a movie. Man those were great times. However, as with most things...everything changes when you grow up. Lately, we haven't really seen much of each other even though we all still keep in contact. The last time most of us were all together was about a couple months ago when we got together for dinner to celebrate someone's bday. We've just all become pretty busy with our grown up lives...it's crazy. Some of us are working full-time, others are still in school, and some have moved out of town.

Anyway, I thought it would be cool to try to get us all together for a dinner before the end of the year. Something tells me next year will be an even busier year for all of us. Well, it will be for me anyway...I'm planning to go back to schoool, which will require me moving away. So, I'm trying to spend as much time with these people who have grown to mean so much to me before everything REALLY changes. This dinner I decided to have is tomorrow and I'm realizing I have tons of shit to do...and I have a date tonight, so I am not getting anything done tonight. My roommate has been too busy studying for finals to be of any help and the fucker hates being a host, so I'm having to get all this shit ready on my own. Don't get me wrong I'm excited about doing it and I'm looking forward to spending time with my friends, but it's a lot of work planning this dinner deal. Martha Stewart I am not, trust! So I'm sure I'll forget to do something...ah fuck it. It'll be good, it'll be fun...and I'm getting drunk!

revoke it, shred it, then burn it

2005-12-14T15:47:00.000-08:00

Seven traffic violations since 2004, the last four in the span of only a few months. Fuck the license suspension! They need to revoke this drunken broads license indefinitely. Or at least until she can get her drinking problem under control. WTF? It should be illegal for this girl to even sit behind the drivers wheel, whether the car is in motion or not.

this girl can sing!

2005-12-14T09:29:00.000-08:00

I went to the Kelly Clarkson concert last night. I know, that's so gay right? It was pretty good though. Short, 1 hr long, but it was good. And man can she sing. She has some pipes on her. You know the artist is good when you go see them live and they sound just as good as they do on their album. Plus she's hot! I don't care what people say about Kelly, I like her. I don't regret voting for her all those times on American Idol. Hehe...okay, so I only voted once, no really I swear.

So anyway, as was expected my friend and I were among the select few old enough to drink. I almost felt embarrassed standing there a few feet from Kelly in a sea of little teeny boppers with a beer in my hand. I said ALMOST, 'cause I needed those couple of beers to relax enough to not let the little screaming girls get to me. We had floor seats by the way. We were about 4 rows from the stage. Unfortunately for us there were a couple amazon women standing directly in front of us. These girls were tall...no I mean TALL! I thought how can this be, two gargantuum women and just our luck they happen to be friends and standing right in front of us? Gosh! I spent the whole time moving from side to side just so I could see passed their heads as Kelly walked across the stage. Luckily, she spend most of the time at the foot of the cat walk that protruded into the audience where my vision was unobstructed.

It was funny how you could so pick out the gay guys in the audience...they were the ones jumping up and down and dancing while singing all her songs word for word. I wasn't familiar with all her songs and I'm not THAT gay otherwise I'd probably be among those obvious few. But anywho, she got down. She has a rockin' voice.

x-mas tree pics!

2005-12-12T23:17:00.000-08:00

Finally got around to posting pics of my humble little tree. I tried to get a decent picture of it with the lights down, but my camera wasn't cooperating. Anyway, here it is! It really did take me about an hour to put all my ornaments and shit on it. It might not look like it but it did, I swear.

holiday blues...i think

2005-12-08T15:37:00.000-08:00

I've been on this high of excitement lately. Christmas is coming and I can't wait. Then it will be New Year's again, fuck! And while I'm still all excited about all that, I can feel a little longing creeping into the far recesses of my mind. I've been going out with friends, having a good time, meeting new people, and it's been a blast. Yet there's that longing, lonely feeling that I wish to have someone next to me to keep warm at night and wake up to in the morning. It's been so long since I've had that that I find it hard to imagine what it felt like. I have many great friends around me and yet at times I feel so fuckin' lonely. I yearn for that intimate closeness you only share with someone you truly love and right now I don't have that. I can go out and get some intimacy with anyone, and I have, but it just doesn't compare.

My ex has been on my mind alot lately. We always shared this strange connection where if we were thinking of one another one of us would always call the other. Yesterday, just as I was thinking about that fucker, he sent me a text message to say hello and see how I was doing. I will admit that I still love him, don't know if I'm still in love with him, but I still love him. I don't think that I would get back together with him. He's pushed me away so much, for so long that I just don't have that feeling for him anymore. Yet, he's constantly on my mind. I don't know what to make of it, other than I might be feeling a little lonely going into this holiday season.

*Boohoo, man up biatch!*
Okay, now that I've given myself that little pep talk I feel a little better. Just felt like venting that right quick. On a lighter note...it's almost Friday!!!

it's beginning to look a lot like xxx-mas!

2005-12-05T11:04:00.000-08:00

I spent the better part of Saturday at the mall. Have I mentioned how much I hate shopping...especially at the mall. OMFG! The fuckin' crowds, the lines, the crying screaming children...it's like torture. I was good for about the first hour and a half, but then I realized I had only traveled the first half of the mall. Damn, that bitch is huge! I did good though, 'cause I knocked off about 10 people off my Christmas list. The sad thing is I still have about 18 more gifts to go. Having a huge family is both a blessing and a nightmare (when it comes to Christmas shopping). When I finally threw in the towel for shopping for the day, I had spent over 4 hrs at the mall...4 fuckin' hours! I don't remember the last time I spent more than an hour at the mall.

There's this new renovation project going on at our local mall. They've gone and built a "village" type plaza at the entrance to the mall, which looks cool I guess. They've gotten a few high-end stores to come to town. Apparently, Sephora is all the rage. I was in that place for about half an hour and I felt soooo gay. It's so bright in there, there's women everywhere, there's pretty colors everywhere, makeup from wall to wall, and every possible cologne you could possibly think of. At this new plaza there's also a new Cheesecake Factory and the line to get in the bitch was wrapped around the corner. Apparently it just opened on Saturday afternoon. I won't be visiting that place for a couple months until the excitement of it's newness wears off. I don't need to visiting that place anyway...too much temptation. Their cheesecakes are fucking delicious!

Sunday, I continued my shopping. I woke up early and set out to find my perfect tree and while I didn't bring home the perfect tree (that bitch was nearly $100) my tree is beautiful. After that I went to Wal-Mart (huge mistake) that place is usually a zoo anyway, now it's a fuckin' zoo run an muck. Got a few things and was out of that bitch as soon I could. I ended up at Toys 'R Us where I knocked off 4 more gifts. Yay! I'm all about educational toys for my godchildren this year, so I got my two godsons the Leapfrog Leapster Learning system. It's a pretty cool little gadget. I got my goddaughter and my ex's little girl the original LeapPad. They're all bright kids, so I wouldn't want to have that go unused with some toy that'll maybe last them about a month. So I'm well on my way to getting my shopping done a bit early.

Last night I spent about an hour setting up my Christmas tree (or Holiday Tree to be PC), so now my place is starting to look a lot like Christmas. I bought a few Family Guy ornaments for my tree...they're so cool. In case you haven't figured it out, Christmas is my favorite holiday. I'm like a little kid all excited and shit. I can't wait to be able to be back home with a house full of family enjoying a good time. I love that my family is so huge. Makes for great times for the holidays.

get educated

2005-12-01T11:54:00.000-08:00

A couple decades later, it's still the biggest health challenge in the world. Get educated, show your support.

it is fall

2005-11-30T22:44:00.000-08:00

I stepped out of my humble abode this late November morning and the cold breeze quickly bit at my face and I couldn't help but smile. Fall is upon us. The scent of dampened earth fills the air. The grass blades shimmer with the morning dew. The trees burn with such vibrant colors. Yellows, oranges, and reds keep me warm on this cold late autumn day. As I travel the steps of my waking life I'm showered with a confetti of golden leaves that gently caress my face, tap my shoulders, and come to rest at my feet. Maple leaves carried by the chilling breeze dance alongside me, hurrying me along to my final destination. Along the way I see friends with heads bowed high, bright empty eyes, and cold vibrant smiles. Oblivious to the beauty that surrounds them. It is not an ending my friend, but a means to a new beginning. It is Fall, it is autumn, it is beautiful.

thank you...now eat your damn turkey!

2005-11-23T14:23:00.000-08:00

I wanted to take this opportunity to give my thanks, since I'll be at my folks tomorrow with no internet access...yikes!!!

I am thankful for my life, for no one before me and no one after me will ever live my exact same life. I am thankful for having my beautiful, all be it disfunctional, family that I love more than anything in this world. I am thankful for the wonderful people who fill my life each and every day...my friends. Moreso than my family, because I live away, my friends have been there for me when I've found it hard to be there for myself. I am thankful for having been able to meet the people that I have through this blog. People, so different than I that I probably wouldn't have met otherwise. I am thankful for having loved someone so much that my heart was broken, because that means that I am capable of loving. I am thankful that I have been able to pick up the pieces, because now I am stronger and wiser for it. I am thankful for this job that has afforded me opportunities I wouldn't have had otherwise. Most of all I am thankful for having so much to be thankful for...and I truly cherish all of it.

I hope you all have a great day and that you are able to spend it with those you love.

have a good one!

2005-11-18T14:16:00.000-08:00

Aight, it's Friday and I've been mentally gone from work since after lunchtime. I tried to start a post, but my mind is all about the weekend already.

I purchased a few CD last night at Barnes & Nobles, and they're fucking great. If you get a chance check out their websites:

Raul Midon - State of Mind
Ray LaMontagne - Trouble (the song 'Shelter' in particular)
Amos Lee - Amos Lee (introduced to his music by my friend Ruben...thanks, I bought his CD)

Hope you all have a great weekend. Enjoy!

abandonment issues

2005-11-17T10:08:00.000-08:00

My roomie is gone till after Thanksgiving! He got deported along with his family to Mexico. Okay, really they went on vacation, but doesn't it sound more exciting to say they got deported? Anyway, so I got home yesterday evening from my date with my dentist and realized I would be the only one home. I cried. Okay not really...I put on Napolean Dynamite, laid out on the couch and relaxed before hitting the gym. My roomie and I don't see eachother much anymore. He's doing an internship, doing his master's program, and working...so the little fucker is pretty busy these days. Usually he has evening classes and by the time he gets home from class I'm getting ready to turn down for the night. But it's still nice to know that if I get bored or can't fall right to sleep I can bullshit with him for a bit. Now I don't know what I'm gonna do with myself for the next week or so. Hmmm...the possibilites are endless I guess...;-)

Wow, I'm gonna have my place all to myself for over a week! Oh the trouble I could get into...let me think of ways to keep myself busy. Well, I'll be back at my folks' this weekend, so that'll ensure a normal weekend. I suppose I can clean up my room proper, get back to my art stuff, read some...stuff I've been putting off for a while now. Or I suppose I can just have all out orgies every night. Although, they'll get boring after a while...I think I'll save those for wild, crazy weekends. Oh, I'm sure I'll find something to do to keep me busy...besides gettin' busy. Wow, I guess I'm working through my abandonment issues just fine.

well knock me out and take advantage

2005-11-15T10:11:00.000-08:00

OMFG...my dentist is fuckin' hot! I showed up this morning walked into the office and there was this bald headed latino, maybe in his mid 30's. He was wearing a grey nicely fitting t-shirt and black slacks. At first I thought, maybe he was an office assistant, but when he introduced himself as my dentist I nearly fell over with excitement. No...not excitement down there, well maybe a little down there. hehe I think I'm going to rather enjoy my dentist visits. When he was all up close and personal I was just in awe... even though, he was telling me that my teeth were all fucked up. He could've told me that he was going to have to remove all my teeth and I would've just went along. The man is gorgeous. Besides no teeth would make some things a little easier...wink, wink.

My hygenist was a pretty, chatty female. It was just a bit hard when she was just talking and talking and I couldn't add my two cents, 'cause she had the drill and suction tube in my mouth. Although, she was good about pausing and letting me say a couple words before continuing. It made the time fly by, so it was cool. I have to say my first visit to the dentist in about 16 yrs was a pleasant one. I have another appointment tomorrow, so a deeper clean and fillings. They're actually going to numb me tomorrow, so i'll see how pleasant a visit I have tomorrow. For now I'll just fantasize about my dentist...did I mention he is fuckin' hot?! Okay, okay...you all have a good one.

open wide

2005-11-14T15:18:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow at the butt crack of dawn, I will be sitting in a dentist's chair for the first time since I was about 8 or 10 yrs old. That's right, almost 16 yrs later. I'm actually excited, because I know I need some work done. And I haven't been in so long so I don't know what I should be fearing, so I'm not too nervous. I'm just afraid of them telling me, "your teeth are all fucked up!". They're aren't, considering I haven't been to the dentist in so long...but I do need some work done. Scary thing, as I was typing this just now my dentist called just to say hello and to thank me for making an appointment to see him. He sounded like a youngin', maybe he'll be a good looking dentist. Hey HEY hey. I could use a sugar daddy right about now.

fuckin' genius!!!

2005-11-13T11:28:00.000-08:00

Okay, I had been distraught when my ex broke it off so that he can be free and do whatever the hell he wanted to. Over these passed couple of weeks I've come to realize that the guy is a fuckin' genius! OMFG, I had been missing out on sooo much. I was seriously considering settling down with him...and I just never would've known all that I actually was missing out on.

I went out on Friday night, and that handjob fiasco last weekend was nothing compared to what went down this weekend. It's a sexual revolution baby, for sure!!! Seriously though, I have been out for about 4-5 yrs now, but just recently have I started going out to the clubs and hell just going out in general. I guess it's just that I'm more comfortable with my sexuality now. My ex was my first boyfriend and I was so in love with him. He was all that I knew of relationships and I had convinced myself that he was THE ONE...how scary is that. I realize now that I was so wrong. The way I see it, is if he is actually THE ONE then our paths will cross again down the line. Maybe when we've both done had all our fun and are actually ready to settle down. For the time being I'm just finding out just how fun being single can be. Hope you all have had a great weekend...tomorrow another work week, ugh.

weekend recap/sordid details for grace

2005-11-07T14:57:00.000-08:00

So before I begin my weekend recap can I just say that I really REALLY appreciate all of you who stop on by and check in on my rather boring life...thank you! For the past month or so I had been extremely depressed...to the point where I would get sick to my stomach. I had lost my appetite and really didn't feel like doing much but sleep. I am so much fuckin' better these days...I am excited again and I can't wait for the following year, 'cause nigga has big plans. More on that on a later post. Now I'd like to recap a weekend that I really, REALLY needed. So Grace...here are the sordid details of my weekend!

Friday...cantonese lesson/drunk with the gays
I couldn't contain my excitement all morning just thinking that in a few hours I would be on my trek down south to LA for a weekend of drunken debauchery. Therefore, I decided to use some comp time and bail on work at noon. Besides I still had to do some laundry and pick up the rental. I set out on my drive down south a little later than I had hoped, but at 4 o'clock sharp I was on the freeway. I figured I'd have about 3.5 hrs to kill, so I grabbed a handful of CD's including a set of Chinese (Cantonese) lesson CD's. Something I have also failed to mention is that I'm learning Cantonese and I'm coming along quite quickly. So for the first couple hours of my drive I worked through 2 lessons on the CD, they're half an hour each and I played them both twice. Hell, practice makes perfect. Plus, you'd be surprised just how fast two hours can fly by when you're flying down the freeway learning a new language. Before I knew it I was zipping up the Grapevine. Once I got into the LA area though, I had to switch to my music CD's, 'cause concentrating on the proper pronunciation of, "I am American, but I can understand Cantonese a little bit" almost got me into a couple accidents. Have I mentioned that I hate LA traffic? It's one of the things that keeps me from considering moving to the area. Anyway, Shakira and The Foo Fighters kept me company while sitting on the parking lot othewise known as the 405.

I had planned to meet my friends for dinner in Huntington Beach at 6:30...at 6:30 I called my friends and told them that I was barely passing by the Getty Center, still about half an hour away WITHOUT traffic. I got to Long Beach at about 8pm, picked up my friend and her girlfriend and we were at La Capia for dinner promptly at 8:30. I had a couple Jack 'n Cokes at dinner and was feeling a little warm. After dinner my friend invited me to a gay bar in Costa Mesa named The Lion's Den...sounded a bit dungeonlike to me, but I said, fuck it. We got there at about 11:30 pm and I was taken aback by the number of drag queens chilling at the entrance. Talk about meat market. These bitches were scary looking drag queens too. The look for the night apparently was bald headed latinos, so I was a shoe in. We immediate hit the bar and bought some drunken confidence...um, I mean Coronas. My friend didn't fuck around she pounded hers down, while I chose to savor my drink. After a couple drinks I was a little more laid back, I get uptight in new surroundings. Soon, I was a little more receptive to the looks and mischievious grins. While on the dance floor with my friend I think my ass was grabbed about 5 times, I was rubbed up on from behind by a good looking baldy who seemed to be packin'...nice, and was torn from my friend as she suddenly found herself in the center of a sausagefest circle on the dance floor. A guy who had been eyeing me all night took the opportunity to come up and dance with me, which I agreed to...this fucker was hot. After a little freaking and small chit-chat I was back with my friend and the rest of the night just flew by with drinking and more dancing with random strangers. Before I knew it "last call" was called and the lights came up bringing everyone back to their drunken realities. Coincidentally, one of the guys I danced with turned out to be from Fresno or so he said. I'm thinking, "fuck can't I escape the Fresno gays for at least one day?". I was good that night, got to my friend's place and crashed the fuck out!

Saturday...test driving/the Arena hand job (xxx)
The night before my friend and I decided that we would go test driving a couple trucks to kill some time. She's all about the Chevy Silverado, no she's not a butch lesbian, she's lipstick...just likes the big truck. I wanted to test drive the Chevy Colorado. So we set out in the late morning to Cerritos' auto mall. I test drove the Colorado first and I liked the way it drove. It just didn't have enough balls for a truck. I like how it looks though, but I wasn't sold. My friend then drove the Silverado...now that is a truck. It had a powerful v8 engine and it drove nice with a nice ride. If only we could've gagged the sales lady sitting in the back seat, "Lady, we're not buying today we're just test driving now shut the fuck up!" For some reason she deamed it necessary we know that she likes classical music, "um yeah...I don't give a fuck. So how much can you work with us here?" To keep from being harassed my friend pulled the ol', "I think I hear my mom calling me", trick and we were off to GMC for her to test drive the Sierra. Now this is were I fell in lust. The sales man, Harout $#%&!, I coudn't pronounce his last name but he was Lebanese and most of all hot. Okay, maybe hot is not the proper word, but he was very handsome and had a nice little body on him and both my friend and I agreed that the little accent was kinda hot. Turns out he was a little wet behind the ears at the dealership, 'cause he seemed a bit more nervous about our encounter than my friend was. On the test drive in which Harout took the back seat and I considered joining him, I mentioned that I was also soon going to be in the market for a new car. "Oh really? You should come to me I'll take care of you." To which I replied smile, "I bet you would (under my breath). That sounds good, definitely I'll come to you for service." hehe, so I was thinking a little different service than he was, but he offered.

Later that night a coupe friends took me out to the Arena in west hollywood. OMG...let the true drunken debauchery begin. I knew I was in trouble when just driving up to the place I saw so many damn good looking fellas walking to the club. I just knew then it was going to be good times. I had never been to this place...it is fuckin' huge! Meat market at it's best. It was "Boys Night Out" so go figure. My friends are females, so they were pretty much shit outta luck. Well one has a girlfriend anyway so it didn't matter, but my other friend is straight and all she could do was look. I decided to walk around on my own for a bit...I was like a kid in a candy shop and all I wanted was a lolipop. hehe, sorry couldn't help myself. Anyway, I was standing in line a the bar when this guy hit me up and asked for my name. We chit-chatted for a bit while in line and he asked me if I wanted to dance. So we get on the dance floor and this kid was a FREAK, I said..."okay, okay, we can do this". I can get my freak on with the best of 'em, so I put it down. Next thing I know we're standing on the side of the dance floor making out...it had been a minute for me, so I was enjoying it. Little did I know one of my friends saw this and was shocked. See it's like this for a lot of people; you can know someone is gay, but until you see them BEING gay it doesn't quite sink in. So my friend who's known that I'm gay for a few years now had to let that one sink in for a minute. For some reason she was excited about it. Anywho, that guy turned out to be a little weird when he started talking about going to NYC and if I didn't like it we could come back...quickly moved on. Later on as I was walking around this very hot bald guy with the nicest pair of arms I'd seen stopped me, well okay kinda groped me as he passed by me. I stopped him for a bit and we were chatting all the while some major groping was going on. We were kinda standing off to the side of the dance floor and it was toward the end of the night so everyone was pretty much out of it drunk off their asses. Us two included. I was so drunk and pretty much just going with it, but then the next thing I know his hand is down my pants and he was touching my private area, right there by the dance floor. Now if you were to see this guy on any other day of the week I'm sure he's the last person you'd think would be offering up a quick hand job at the club, but there he was. It was one of those things that leaves you thinking, "What the fuck?!" After a little making out he tells me, "you're crazy, we just met". "Okay, but it's YOUR hand down my pants." This kinda embarrassed him and so he stopped, much to my dismay of course. We made out a bit more and I was on my way. That was definitely the highlight of my night. Hell, it left me thinking about how much trouble I could get into if I lived in LA. I think I'll just stick to visiting every now and then. But if certainly left me with something to look forward to.

All in all, it was a great fuckin' fantabulous weekend! ;)

it's friday and i'm outta here!!!

2005-11-04T11:59:00.000-08:00

Aight, hope you all have a great weekend. I am burning off some comp time and I am outta here right now! Be safe, be good or be good at it.

because work can wait

2005-11-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd steal this idea and give it a try.

Go to Google. Type in "(your name) needs"

Edward needs sunscreen. (Wouldn't want to get all dark and shit)
Edward needs a reminder of just how far his son Billy has come. (Hell, Edward needs a reminder of making this kid Billy...don't recal ever being THAT drunk.)
Edward needs to announce his measures. (For all the size queens out there.)
Edward needs to be allowed to remain in regular contact with her. (So remove the restraining order bitch!)
Edward needs your assistance! (If you're tall, dark, handsome and well endowed...help please!)
Edward needs a skilled and patient family. (To put up with my bullshit)
Edward needs a patient. (To play doctor with. hehe)
Edward needs some beer and male-bonding. (Amen! Beer and bondage...um, I mean bonding, that's what I need!)

And a little variation:

Edward thinks AJ should take advantage of Courtney's love. (She's a bitch anyway.)
Edward thinks even a coward hearing these words would become brave. (So listen up bitches!)
Edward thinks Lucy gets enough pocket money. (Turning tricks! She's my best ho, fo sho!)
Edward thinks we can develop these abilities. (I really don't, I just tell them that, 'cause they're "special".)
Edward thinks that Tom took his place at Westminster. (And so Tom must die! Bastard!)
Edward thinks she must have been a bushranger. (AKA carpet muncher)
Edward thinks to himself. ("...just because I have gay sex, doesn't necessarily mean that I'm gay, right?.")
Edward thinks it's the little things that Doug does that makes this place special. (As long as Doug is on his knees. hehe)

li'l bout me

2005-11-02T11:22:00.000-08:00

Three ways that I am stereotypically female
1. I am emotional
2. I overthink everything
3. I like men

Three ways that I am stereotypically male
1. I HATE shopping
2. I'm good with directions
3. I like working with my hands.

Three names I go by
1. Edward
2. Eddie
3. Key-Ross

Three parts of my heritage
1. Mexican
2. Mexican
3. Mexican

Three physical things I like about myself
1. My eyes
2. My arms
3. My shaved head

Three physical things I don’t like about myself
1. My gut
2. My quads
3. My dark skin color

Three things that scare me
1. Snakes
2. Being Alone
3. Losing a loved one

Three of my everyday essentials
1. Toothbrush
2. Computer
3. sleep

Three LIES
1. I hate my ex
2. I have a clear plan on how to get to where I want to be when I'm 30.
3. I have never lied

Three TRUTHS
1. I am not happy
2. I've started using my gym membership again
3. I've had anonymous sex, safe anonymous sex

Three things I want in a relationship
1. Love
2. Respect
3. Reciprocation

Three physical things about men that appeal to me
1. Legs
2. Arms
3. Ass

Three of my favorite hobbies
1. Watching Movies
2. Writing
3. Drawing

Three things I want to do really badly now
1. Sleep
2. Travel the world
3. Jump out an airplane

Three careers I’ve considered
1. Architect
2. Engineer
3. Pimp

Three places I want to go on vacation
1. Spain
2. Hawai'i
3. France

Three things I want to do before I die
1. Find true love
2. Love my career choice
3. Win the lottery...I better start playing

Three celebrity crushes
1. Vin Diesel
2. Frankie J
3. Antonio Sabato Jr.

Three suckers who got tagged
Who has some time to kill and hasn't already done this.

country music

2005-10-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

I had hoped that you would be here from now on,
But memories of us are all I have left to dwell upon,
And I loved you like nobody loves you,
And you earned my trust,
But all that's left to show are these memories of us,
[Read more...]

the irony of my life

2005-10-26T09:56:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, girls wouldn't give me the time of day. At the time I was going through the confused stage of my sexuality. Plans of having a wife, kids and the white picket fence still felt like they might someday be realized. I crushed on girls and some guys. My girl crushes though, were always just puppy dog crushes. Wanting to be near them, hold their hand maybe. My guy crushes on the other hand...ooh boy, those were passionate, lustful crushes. A hormonal teenage boy's mind can be an exciting place to be in...granted you're that hormonal teenage boy.

Anyway, these days it seems most the attention I get while out and about is from the womens. Damn it! Life is so unfair that way. Hell, I even have females hitting me up on MySpace...damn it, it's "My" space! And it says on there...Orientation: Gay. Clear as day. I guess the fact that I'm not your obvious gay guy might have something to do with it. I'm sure to those guys out there who would hit me up, I probably just come off as a straight dude...I can't help it.

However, I bet if I were straight...I'd get no play from the females and get more attention from the fellas. That's just the irony of my life.

shit faced at fall-tini

2005-10-20T16:23:00.000-07:00

Last night was Fall-tini downtown again and of course I was there. The martini's were flowing freely as was everyone's inebriated inhibitions. I swear I saw Anna Nicole Smith walking the fashion show catwalk and collecting dollar bills from the onlookers. I shit you not! That was the funniest thing, 'cause she just looked so far gone.

Having not eaten throughout the entire day prior to this little shindig I was feeling the effects of the alcohol very quickly. After about 8 martini's it was time to call it a night and so my friend and I headed out in search of somewhere to eat. I remember sitting down at our table at the restaurant, ordering some hot wings and the rest of the night was a big blur. I don't think I even ate anything, but I do think that I might have gotten sick there at our table, like serious yacking into empty water cups...sorry bus boys. It was not pretty. I don't remember how I got home, just that I woke up in the middle of the night in a pool of my yackin' on my bed thinking what the fuck happened? Sick, I know. Grace if I ever party at your place this will not happen, I promise!

Before heading off to work this morning I tried to drink some water, but even that wasn't staying down. Have you ever yacked pure water? It's the strangest thing. So all day I've been hungover, dehydrated, and my fuckin' phone hasn't stopped ringing all damned day long! I'm cool on drinking for a minute I think, especially just having gotten shit-faced on a school night.

is it almost friday?

2005-10-17T11:00:00.000-07:00

I dunno know why, but I really don't want to be at work today. I can think of a grip of shit I would rather be doing, but I guess without the cash I wouldn't be able to do all that shit anyway...so here goes my ass back to work.

i feel ashamed/tgiff

2005-10-14T17:05:00.000-07:00

Is it really bad that I've had her stupid-ass "Boyfriend" song in my head all damned day long?! I'm not a fan, really I'm not! That would be SO gay of me.

I just set up a new computer for one of the faculty I work with...oooh, always thought he was a handsome man and just now he was dressed up for a game of tennis....nice legs...nice.... What a great start to a weekend.

Have a great fuckin' weekend everyone!

back from my hiatus

2005-10-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

Hey all! Hope you guys missed me! Wha'...? Yes I was gone! You might not have noticed, but I was gone...for a WHOLE week too.

Anyway, this week was really a bad one for me. I mean emotionally, I was a fuckin' mess! I felt like a little bitch with my emotions flying all over the place. It all started with an outing I had Sunday night. My friends and I decided we would go out to the big Harvest Fair going on in town to listen to some Mariachi music and a couple artists that were going to perform. I love mariachi music, but I forgot just how depressing it can be. I tell you, if I were a cryer I would've been a big bawling mess in my seat. As it were, every fucking song they performed was killing me...songs of love and pain. You know shit I shouldn't have been listening to coming out of a relationship. So from then on I was fucking out of it all damn week. On Tuesday I had a little chat session with my ex online and I came to a couple obvious realizations that further fucked me up. Now though, i'm good. Today is a good day, so I decided I'd let you all know that I'm still alive and kickin'.

Oh! Not only had I been away from my blog 'cause of my emotional state, but I kinda got pulled into MySpace...that shit can be addicting. Let's just say I didn't have a productive week at work either. I'm good on that now too though. Anyway, gotta run. Hope you all are doing good. IT'S FUCKING FRIDAY!!!!

at the speed of light

2005-10-07T08:50:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or are the weeks just flying by? I mean damn! It feels like it was Monday only yesterday, but it's already Friday. Not that I'm complaining mind you, just making an observation. In just a few weeks will be the start of the holiday season and then 2006...sumonabitch! I mean my birthday is in about 4 months...I'm getting older and I wish I could say wiser, but definitely older. Anyway, happy Friday everyone! Should we start the count down...7 hrs and 10 mins till the weekend officially starts (adjust to your own time zone).

happy hump day!

2005-10-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

dating is so gay

2005-10-03T10:38:00.000-07:00

Having recently become single again, some friends have suggested I get back out there and start dating.  The whole “get over your ex, with someone new” mentality has never really appealed to me.  This is especially so now, even though I seem to be having so much trouble getting over my ex.  I feel like any new relationships I make now will only be bogged down by the emotional baggage I am carrying.  I am hurting so much right now and it seems like any little thing just opens up the flood gates to memories of my ex.  I love this guy sooo much that I cannot even begin to explain it.  Cheesy clichés come to mind, “’tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”, “Everything happens for a reason”, “If you’re meant to be together, then eventually you will be”.  And though all that shit might be true, it is difficult to find comfort in any of it.

Some might argue that I am so stuck on him, because I don’t think that I deserve better.  I have asked this same question of myself and after much contemplation I know that is not the case.  I am stuck on him, because he possesses all the qualities that I look for in a partner.  He is loving and is not afraid to express his affection verbally or physically, as opposed to many masculine gay men.  He is extremely intelligent and can hold his own in smart conversation.  He shares the same sarcastic humor I do.  He is mature and is very goal oriented, which is his catch 22 – he is so goal oriented that he strives for so much and isn’t very well at juggling it all.    In the end that has always been our downfall.  He becomes so overwhelmed that he feels he has to cut something in his life and that something has always been his relationships.  I guess that’s his M.O.  Once he starts feeling overwhelmed and not in control he clams up, becomes cold, distant, and keeps you at arms length.  And so, here I am alone all over again.

I have tried as some friends have suggested to get back out there, but “back out there” is a scary, scary place.  Surely, all of you have your fair share of dating horror stories, but in the gay scene you have to multiply that by 10.  I am not a huge fan of the club scene, or single club scene I should say, because when I am with someone I enjoy getting out for some dancing.  However, it has never been the case I have ran into someone at the club that I thought, “Hey, this guy is a possibility”.  Usually, it’s more like, “Damn, that guy is hot”, but after some small chat it’s a quick realization that there is nothing beyond that.  I am starting to become jaded and I don’t like it.  However, you can’t help but to be.  I went out Saturday night, met a friend at the local “happening” gay club in town and all there was was a whole lot of attitude.  That coupled with my friend pointing out all the guys at the club that night that he’s fucked around with and I was out of there before too long.  Last night, I went to the same club with another friend.  This time it was an older crowd and the club was hella dead, but it gave us an opportunity to just chat and bullshit.  Having him tell me his experiences with dating and more stories of people at the club and literally I could’ve been sick to my stomach.  Not because he was being graphic or anything, but simply because he only cemented the widely known truth that in a small gay scene such as this…everyone’s been with each other, and it is fucking sickening to me.  Maybe it is the fact that I have just come out of a relationship and my ex is into the whole gay scene that makes me that much more ill just thinking about it.  Thinking about the possibility, the very likely possibility that he is out there doing all this shit, while I am here wallowing in self pitty and longing for someone who doesn’t want to be with me.

I have been trying to get out there again, but I don’t think that I am ready.  I have to get my head straight before I can feel confident enough to hit the bleak dating scene again.  For those of you happily coupled right now, cherish what you have.  The dating scene…eh, it’s so gay.

skeptic no more

2005-09-27T22:48:00.000-07:00

So I posted last Friday about my horoscope being right on the money for the month. Wouldn't you know it...today I got some clarity about my whole situation. I heard from my ex today, actually I initiated the email exchange and it only cemented the fact that his shit is all fucked up right now. A relationship with him would be totally impossible. It also cemented the fact that I love this guy like no other, 'cause even all that's gone down I still would like to help him out. He's in a state of mind that I was in a few years back and I know it's not a good place to be...so I feel for him. It sucks to see someone you love hurt like he must be hurting...so I've offered my friendship and I wish him well.

And Frankie J is fuckin' hot! This has nothing to do with this post, but a couple of his videos have played on my Launchcast player since I started this post so I thought I'd mention it.

the sad truth

2005-09-27T15:57:00.000-07:00

So, do you think if I answer that I’m doing well, great, fanfuckintastic every time I’m asked how I’m doing, that eventually it’ll be so? My heart is heavy today and I don’t know if I can bear to drag it along.

comedy, beer, and a "yo mama..." joke

2005-09-26T10:36:00.000-07:00

“Yo mama has a pussy on her hip, so she can make some money on the side.”  This was Dave’s comeback to some hecklers in the audience who wouldn’t shut the fuck up during the show. Throughout the 2-hour performance people kept shouting shit out, forcing him to stop and address them.  Mostly it was little drunken white boys who wanted him to act out parts of the skits from his show on Comedy Central.  “Shut the fuck up, damn!  I ain’t gonna act out the skits.  If you wanna see that shit, go out and buy the DVD.  I’m here live motherfuckers!”  He took it well and was bullshitting with the audience the whole time.

The show was fuckin’ hilarious.  He’s fuckin’ hilarious.  It was just him and a mic on stage, no props, no set…just him.  It felt as though you were just chilling with Dave and he was telling you all these fuckin’ hilarious stories.  It was very relaxed.  The show ran for 2 hours straight to which my buddies complained, ‘cause all the alcohol consumption and laughing didn’t make for a good combo.  I’m sure there were plenty of wet seats after the show.  The hot little blonde sitting directly in front of me I’m positive must have wet her seat.  She couldn’t sit still for shit.  Then she kept fuckin’ with the halter top she was wearing and looking up at me like I was some kind of pervert or something.  Bitch please, trust me I am not even mildly interested now sit your bitch ass down and let me enjoy the show.  I get that sometimes though, I’ll smile at a girl in passing trying to be polite and what do I get in return…the don’t smile at me pervert look.  So now when I smile at a girl I simultaneously flip her off so that she doesn’t mistake my smile with me being interested.  But I digress, my point was that the Dave Chappelle performance was fuckin’ cool.

Afterward, a few buddies and I hit up Tony Roma’s happy hour.  Half-off all drinks and appetizers from 10pm till closing makes for a few happy hours indeed.  I had a couple beers at the performance and I lost count of how many large Samuel Adams’, or Samuel Jackson’s I had at Tony Roma’s.  I had to baby-sit my last beer, ‘cause I wanted to make sure it fit down the hatch, but most importantly I wanted to make sure my previous beers stayed down.  You know when you drink so much that you feel that dangerous lump in your throat and you know it can go either way, but you hope it goes down?  Well, I was so there for a bit.  Soon it went away though and so did my beer.  I knew I was done after that.  I was glad I made the smart move of sticking with beer the whole night.  I’ve learned my lesson about mixing beer and liquor the hard way.  “Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear” or “Beer before liquor will make you sicker” turns out are not just nursery rhymes, they’re rules.  Too much of either though, can also make you just as sick.  Just ask my buddy who yacked his dinner into the trash can in the middle of this night.

All in all, it was a good time and I seriously needed it.

drowning aquarius

2005-09-23T16:28:00.000-07:00

Now, I’m usually pretty skeptical about all this astrology mumbo-jumbo, but fuck me if my horoscope is not eerily right on the money on everything for this month so far, down to the fuckin’ dates!

September

New and exciting developments in your romantic and emotional life will be happening over the next few weeks, Aquarius! The first week will be full of surprises and unexpected events. Trust your intuition now and go with your gut feelings, especially in love matters. Powerful changes are afoot, as you reexamine your values and feelings. A passionate attraction will leave you spinning around September 6. This could be something totally unexpected that takes your breath away. You'll be able to think of little else because of the strength of your feelings. Be careful of an overall tendency lately to live in a fantasy world and try to be realistic. Neptune has been spinning a fanciful web of confusion for some time in Aquarius. Romantic interludes are usually just that - a moment in time where everything appears to be perfect. Fantasies can make reality pale in comparison. After the initial rush of excitement and during the next week, there could be disappointments due to critical words, hidden secrets and arguments. This will leave you feeling very much alone and adrift. You can take back your power around September 17 and 18. New information will come to light that will help you to understand what has been going on. It may be surprising and unsettling to hear. You'll probably spend the rest of the month swinging between feeling confident that this attraction was real and important and being insecure and doubtful. You may get some clarity at last around September 29.

movie: waiting...

2005-09-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

American Pie set in a restaurant.  That’s how I can best describe this movie.  The humor was dirty and raunchy…it was fucking hilarious!  Of course, my enjoyment of this film was undoubtedly greater due to the fact that I had a few beers before heading out to watch it.  No one I told I was going to be watching the sneak peak of it had even heard of it.  Therefore I wasn’t overly surprised at the small turn out, which was fine by me.

What’s there to say really…Ryan Reynolds is fuckin’ hot!  About the movie though, it’s from the people who brought us American Pie, so I mean the raunchy humor was a given.  The film takes place throughout a single day at a popular restaurant named “Shenanigans”.  The name itself would be enough to warn me not to eat there.  The group of characters at this restaurant and what they do while working, makes you kinda rethink the whole restaurant dining experience.  Some of the shit the cooks pulled with customers’ food was fucking disgusting.  Next time I’m dining out I’ll be sure to inspect my food thoroughly before digging in.    My ex works at a movie theatre among young high school and college students and the stories he told me about how there’s all this inner dating and drama among the employees assured me that the shenanigans that went on at this restaurant aren’t too far from reality.

This movie is just what it’s advertised to be…good ol’ fashioned funny, dirty, raunchy escapism.  I wouldn’t recommend it to those with a weak stomach and a penchant for dining out.  On the plus side it’ll probably convince you to cook at home more often.  Watch it if you’re in the mood for some good cheap laughs.

somebody give me some lovin'

2005-09-22T00:13:00.000-07:00

Someone, anyone please help me out here! I have recently broken up with the person I thought I would have a long run of it with. Ha! What do I know? Actually, he broke up with me, for the third time, if we wanna get technical. And just for the record this last time we got back together, it was he that pursued me. This is all still very fresh, Monday, so I will maybe post about it when I am sure that I have run the full gamut of emotions…right now I am at extremely angry.

But I digress, I had a point I know I did…ah yes, the asking for help. I would like to hear about how you and your current loved one first met. I am not into torture, really I am not! Well there was that one time, when I was on that leather swing at that club…oh I’m kidding, that would be scary. No, it is not that I like to torture myself, simply that I am a hopeless romantic and so hearing about people being in love gives me some hope that maybe someday I too will find that one true love…hahaha! That’s some corny shit, right there! But seriously, do share. Lift my spirits, ‘cause I need it bad right now. Oh boy, would you look at the time…my ass needs to be in bed already.

no steroids just yet

2005-09-21T16:45:00.000-07:00

Have you guys watched Breaking Bonaduce on VH1? Man that guy is insane! The other day I caught a couple episodes and damn, the whole ex-child star thing really fucked him over good! Anyway, in one of the episodes he was talking about how he had 3 gym memberships, at different gyms of course, because each gym thought that he was working out too much. Apparently he put all his energy he used to devote to drinking and partying to working out. Only, working out became another addiction for him, complete with steroid use. I’m thinking, fuck, how can I make working out my addiction? I certainly have the addiction trait in my genes; hell my father is an alcoholic. With my luck though, I’d probably just develop one of those nasty addictions like alcohol, smoking, over eating, heroin, or sex…though I guess the latter wouldn’t be too nasty.

Anywho, while I wouldn’t want to go to those extremes of working out I know I need to develop some kind of routine. So, this is a desperate plea for some sound advice. Well okay, maybe desperate is too dramatic a word. I would just appreciate some advice on weight loss, fitness tips, work-out tips…whatever. Back in July or late June I joined a gym and was pretty good about going about 3-4x a week. Slowly that enthusiasm has faded, because of lack of visual results. I really want to get back in the swing of things though, because I feel so damned unhealthy. Lately I have been extremely stressed out and I know that working out would help with that. So…if anyone can offer some advice and/or success stories (for morale) I would greatly appreciate it. Please share thanks in advance.

on the bright side

2005-09-21T14:55:00.000-07:00

When things suck ass I try to focus on shit that I have to look forward to:

1. Watching a free screening of Waiting… this Thursday.
2. Watching Dave Chappelle performing live on Saturday here in my home town.
3. Going to San Diego and Rosarito the following weekend…fuck yeah!
4. Going to the Green Day concert on October 4th.
5. This weekend…it can’t get here fast enough.

*Update - Just found out that the Green Day concert is the 1st not the 4th, that ruins my San Diego/Rosarito plans for that weekend...fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck it all to hell!*

allow me to introduce myself

2005-09-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

My friends call me "Key-ross", a nickname that came about after the constant mispronunciation of my last name. I am 26, I am a technology consultant for a university in California, state employee perks are the best. I come from a big family - the youngest of six, you know how us Mexicans get down. I graduated from college last year with a degree I am not using and have no intention on using. I have one roomate who I consider to be my best friend. I drive a mustang, I draw, I write, and I happen to be gay (oops did I just say that?). Yeah, I guess I did.

This is my second attempt at keeping a blog. My first blog succumbed to my inability to be myself. I had started it fully expecting to be able to freely express myself and I was able to, but just for a bit. Soon, people who knew me personally were reading and so I started to clam up until ultimately I stopped blogging altogether. See here is the thing; I used to think that me being gay was just something that I was and not who I was. How's that for a crock of shit? I realize now that a big part of who I am has to do with me being gay. Decisions I make and relationships I have with people around me are very much dictated by the fact that I am gay and until a couple years ago I hadn't been too comfortable with that. It is hard to maintain a blog and express your ideas when you're constantly worrying about what you can share and what you shouldn't or when you have to play the pronoun game (i.e. "they" instead of "him"). It's a constant burden, for me anyway, the coming out process. Fuck, it's never ending - everytime you meet someone new eventually that is going to have to come up. Assuming they become significant enough to share that with.

The reaction I usually get when coming out is that of disbelief. I guess I don't fit the stereotypes - I hate shopping, I don't have my eyebrows did, I don't obsess about my looks, I don't have a lisp, I'm not a Cher fan, I don't desire to be a woman and don't act like one, but I do like men. :) I guess I would be considered butch? I don't like the whole "straight-acting" label, because it implies that my masculinity is an act, which is not. It's not that I pretend to be straight, it's just how I grew up, it's who I am. Not that it helps when trying to meet guys, but that's a whole new post for a different day.

Okay, enough of that. You guys get the picture. Having said all this I hope to be able to honestly post about the daily shit that runs through my mind. Come back and check up on me once in a while.