Having recently become single again, some friends have suggested I get back out there and start dating. The whole “get over your ex, with someone new” mentality has never really appealed to me. This is especially so now, even though I seem to be having so much trouble getting over my ex. I feel like any new relationships I make now will only be bogged down by the emotional baggage I am carrying. I am hurting so much right now and it seems like any little thing just opens up the flood gates to memories of my ex. I love this guy sooo much that I cannot even begin to explain it. Cheesy clichés come to mind, “’tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”, “Everything happens for a reason”, “If you’re meant to be together, then eventually you will be”. And though all that shit might be true, it is difficult to find comfort in any of it.
Some might argue that I am so stuck on him, because I don’t think that I deserve better. I have asked this same question of myself and after much contemplation I know that is not the case. I am stuck on him, because he possesses all the qualities that I look for in a partner. He is loving and is not afraid to express his affection verbally or physically, as opposed to many masculine gay men. He is extremely intelligent and can hold his own in smart conversation. He shares the same sarcastic humor I do. He is mature and is very goal oriented, which is his catch 22 – he is so goal oriented that he strives for so much and isn’t very well at juggling it all. In the end that has always been our downfall. He becomes so overwhelmed that he feels he has to cut something in his life and that something has always been his relationships. I guess that’s his M.O. Once he starts feeling overwhelmed and not in control he clams up, becomes cold, distant, and keeps you at arms length. And so, here I am alone all over again.
I have tried as some friends have suggested to get back out there, but “back out there” is a scary, scary place. Surely, all of you have your fair share of dating horror stories, but in the gay scene you have to multiply that by 10. I am not a huge fan of the club scene, or single club scene I should say, because when I am with someone I enjoy getting out for some dancing. However, it has never been the case I have ran into someone at the club that I thought, “Hey, this guy is a possibility”. Usually, it’s more like, “Damn, that guy is hot”, but after some small chat it’s a quick realization that there is nothing beyond that. I am starting to become jaded and I don’t like it. However, you can’t help but to be. I went out Saturday night, met a friend at the local “happening” gay club in town and all there was was a whole lot of attitude. That coupled with my friend pointing out all the guys at the club that night that he’s fucked around with and I was out of there before too long. Last night, I went to the same club with another friend. This time it was an older crowd and the club was hella dead, but it gave us an opportunity to just chat and bullshit. Having him tell me his experiences with dating and more stories of people at the club and literally I could’ve been sick to my stomach. Not because he was being graphic or anything, but simply because he only cemented the widely known truth that in a small gay scene such as this…everyone’s been with each other, and it is fucking sickening to me. Maybe it is the fact that I have just come out of a relationship and my ex is into the whole gay scene that makes me that much more ill just thinking about it. Thinking about the possibility, the very likely possibility that he is out there doing all this shit, while I am here wallowing in self pitty and longing for someone who doesn’t want to be with me.
I have been trying to get out there again, but I don’t think that I am ready. I have to get my head straight before I can feel confident enough to hit the bleak dating scene again. For those of you happily coupled right now, cherish what you have. The dating scene…eh, it’s so gay.
